Tuesday, February 2, 2010

omo I have rage issues

Oh my, I have a very serious problem of Rage. I don't get mad, I get seething rage in my heart.

Let me draw you a picture! To my mind it is like a very beautiful little plant that is very lovely, and soft and very kind and loving(I am not saying I am these things, I am just trying to emphasise the seriousness, then again I would say my heart is all those things! I think everyones heart is those things, Really, really, really deep down sometimes, but everyone none the less). This plant is in a nice green rainforest with pretty sounds and loveliness all around(this is what I think is beautiful, so some might not like it because of the lizards and snakes hahah) Then in a split second everything becomes dark and dangerous and scary noises and sounds and out of the little plants Rips this HUGE UGLY DANGEROUS VENUS FLY TRAP FROM HELL! that makes the same sound as the great animal in the swan princess.

This Demonic happening isn't often, every now and again, but it usually disappears as soon as its surfaced because i realise what is happening and quickly step away from whatever is causing the episode.... It scares me because its like a different person is grabbing my insides and shaking and trying to ruin me! and its so rageful, vengeful, anything bad. Its like jackel and hyde, but I have more control and consciousness obviously hahaha

When I was younger I knew I had a bit of a problem with a bad temper, and anger, but I didn't ever think it was such a huge problem, Maybe I was in Denial and its always been this bad? hahaha that would be sad, but a relief since it would mean I am getting better seeing as I realized/noticed.

I don't know, it makes me sad. I am not violent or abusive(overly hahahaha) am I? if so, WHY HAS NO ONE EVER TOLD ME? SUCH A HUGE FLAW??? maybe everyone thought I knew and that I was just a mega tool for not changing... or maybe people did tell me but i never took it seriously hahaha

I didn't know, I am sorry. I am not sure what to do about it, it really feels like mr hyde.

and like i said its a seething rage in my heart, and so it hurts my soul

hum hum hum


meleofa said...

You are not violent to me. Or abusive for that matter. You do rage occasionally, but doesn't everyone? I am not sure, but the thing to take to heart is that it worries you. Praying for help always helps me.

I remember being a young person and raging all the time. I cringe as I think back to when I would let my temper go willy nilly where ever it wanted to. I don't think you do that. I would get violent. I've learned to control it, get out my aggressions in healthy ways. Oh! Journal! Writing in my journal the jumbled thoughts in my head helped a lot.

Love you.

MiriamR said...

yeah I don't know if you have rage I have never experienced it :) I have a bad temper and as long as I can channel it into cleaning or something I usually am good or I go sit alone. But it sounds like you channel it just fine if you are not violent :)

Hera said...

It´s all part of growing up sometimes. As long as we realize that it´s happening and we know how to deal with it in the proper manner it´s all ok then.
You are always my guardian angel Melanie.
We are here on earth to improve ourselves. We have our life to accomplish that.
Your dad is still dealing with rage. But he is getting better and better at it. I mean at dealing with it in the proper manner.
As long as you do your best then your best is always good enough.