Monday, February 15, 2010

but I like me...

I really like me, I like me the way I am. I like my hands, I like my feet, I like my eyes, I like my toes, I like my fingers, I Like my Hair, I like my arms, I like my legs, I like my shoulders, I like my nose, I like my face, I like my back, I like my belly(hahahaha), I like my elbows, I like my ears, I like my skin colour, I like my knees, I like my neck, I like my tan lines, I like my head, I like myself, I like Me, Very Much.

There are things about me that people might consider ugly, unsightly, abnormal, weird, or other negative things, but I don't really care. I like the Body that I was given, such an amazing gift! I think its very sad that peoples ideas of beauty have been so .. warped.

To Me, Beauty is happiness. Someone who is as happy as can be irregardless of their situation, or things that have happened to them, I can't help but see Beautiful. People who are happy from the depths of their souls. Someone who can Really smile, a Real Smile even though they are going through hard times, there is just a brightness to their eyes, and their whole being, something I really envy

To Me, Beauty is Kindness. When I see someone helping a complete stranger, or a complete stranger helping me, I can't help but think that person is Beautiful, Amazingly so. Seeing Kindness always makes my heart happy, especially unnoticed kindness, the sort of deeds that come naturally to some people, but go unnoticed by the world because its become a bit of a sad place where good is bad and bad is good.

To Me, Beauty is not necessarily something you can see with your Eyes, its something you see more with your Heart.
This is Why I don't wear make up. This is Why I don't "take care" of myself. This is Why I don't really, hmmm, "care" about my appearance. I don't want this superficial world to deem me beautiful, I'd rather they thought the opposite.

But that's just me, Eye of the beholder and all.

That's not to say I can't see the Beauty of Beautiful people(or Appreciate it hohoho), but to me its more that they are.. Gorgeous? rather than Beautiful. For someone to be Beautiful, they must have Kindness or happiness, True Kindness or Happiness. Like there are some famous people who I think are .... unbelievably ... fun to look at (HAHAHA). words mean a lot to me, so I try not to use them carelessly, but different words have different meanings to me, I don't really go by what the dictionary says hahaha

In General I don't like to talk about outward appearances, I think its demeaning, The only time I talk about someones looks (example, HOTNESS hahahaha) is if Its a Guy and I am talking more like said guy is an object rather than a person (maybe that's why I think its demeaning, because I only do it in demeaning ways HAHA). Talking about looks makes me feel uncomfortable, I avoid the subject at all costs.

I would rather be known for my personality and accumplishments than my outward appearances, Like Odette in Swan Princess(sort of hahaha she wanted Derek to love her for more than her beauty). And like the guy with the candy cane and peanut butter once said "These are the faces our parents gave us after such painful deliveries, People who say we're this and that based on our looks are just plain mean" hahaha Seungri Fighting!

but i am trying to get fit/healthier. I am trying to be more healthy, in the exercise sort of way, because I am pretty sure its unhealthy to be out of breath so quickly HAHA

excuse me

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Chakhan Saram

For some reason I really do not enjoy sleep these days. at night anyways HAHA

During my lifetime I've never really had a dream, any dream. I've had many ideas, and thoughts that I found interesting, but I never really had a dream that inspired me to be awesome, and all that I can be (hahahah). I also never realised this, until recently.

sometime during the first days of this year 2010 I aquired a dream. it was rather exciting, and then became frightening. It was exciting because I realised that I'd never had a dream, and then I had one, and Having a Dream is pretty amazing, You feel like NOthing Can get in your Way! and that it will be a pleasure to accomplish! and its all crazy thoughts. But Then It became frightening because I realised i'd never really had a dream before, how can a body live without a purpose (thats how I see dreams) ?? it also became frightening because I never really accomplish things (hahahaha), and I started to think about how it would feel to fail at this dream.. it would be life ending, no joke, For a Slacker as myself, whos never had a dream, now that I have one I must accomplish it, or life would be really... grey, the world would "lose its colour" to quote my favourite Manga (kekeke).

I was watching the olympics yesterday, they are a fun bunch, arent they?? hahaha I was watching the speed skating, and Korea is Freakin Awesome at that! apparently the best male speed skater in the world was one of the korean olympians. the mens 1500 m. was intense! when they were down to the final lap, going round the last bend, THREE KOREANS were in Front!! Two were skating really closely, and the third came up and slid in between the two as they went round the bend. one lost his footing and two fell, IT WAS SUCH A TRAGEDY!!! THEY NEARLY SWEEPED IT! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO EPIC!! if they hadnt fallen and had actually been able to take Gold Silver and Bronze, Gosh that would have been flipppin Awesome! but the two fell, So they only got gold. SO SAD! not really, but it was exciting! and then mega disapointing... for some reason I am rooting for Korea.. HAHAHA I am an Odd Duck.

Well! tooloo for now, im off to....

Thursday, February 11, 2010

you've made me suffer from an incurable disease

Here is another one, post marked 11th of February 2010, so I was in Fort McMurray me thinks? I need to write down where and when I was, i dont really have a good memory for things I dont care about.. HAHA

People think I am shy, but I'm not, I am just gaging their understanding/perception/self. I'll quietly observe them for a time, sometimes months, and then I (in their opinion) magically open Up! but whats really happened is I have decided on how much Melanie they can handle. Its usually not much, probably just my frivolous silly side. There are cases where I never opened up because the person wouldn't have been able to handle anything, these are people I avoid like the plague. BUT there have also been cases (two that come to mind, both Australian) where the person was disarmingly deceptive, and somehow I missed it. The truth is I was closing my eyes because I was desperately unhappy and wanted a friend, irregardless of how stupid that was. hahaha! Unfortunately I am the type of person that when I get burned I stay as far away from warm things as possible, until I accidentally touch something hot again and realise its not as bad as i thought it was.

I'm not shy, I am reserved.

Social etiquette is something that doesn't make sense to me, so I wont do it. I hate chit chat, small talk, meaningless small talk and unfeeling questions about how I am. I think it is Very Rude to ask questions with insincerity. I think people think I am rude, because I don't do these stupid meaningless things hahaha, But I think they are more rude for doing them, I'd rather sit in silence then have you rudely interrupt my silence with words that are for no other reason than to fill the silence.

Something that i never encountered before i went to the US last summer was "Nice to meet you". My words are something that are precious to me, I don't say things that I don't mean, I'm usually (maybe only in my head hahaha) careful with what I say. so All these Americans (and Canadians) are saying "nice to meet you!/nice to have met you!" and I just shake there hands and smile at them, maybe saying "..Yes.." but I wouldn't lie to them and tell them it was nice to meet them, I don't feel like sinning to make them feel better. then again Its just not in me to say things like that, i think actions and behaviour should reflect how nice it was to meet a person

The only person who changes my mind is Me

So, When I used to do a blog session, I would often do a Few before I was pleased with one, and the others would never see the world, UNTIL NOW! this one was written on 11th of feb but posted the 8th of february 2011

ho hum ho hum, I was gonna rage about stupid people, but I changed my mind LUCKY HUH?!?? hahaha

So my life motto (secretly, something I have lived by for a long time, I dont know when I started thinking this way) is a phrase found in matthew 7:6, as well as 3 nephi 14:6 and Doctrine and Covenants 41:6, paraphrased "it is not meet that ye should cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them and then turn and rend you" or gore you or somthing to do with a boar spearing you with its tusks and eating your flesh. So in my head at all times is the phrase "..pearls before swine..". maybe this is why I scorn people so much... oops hahaha oh well

SO people have a tendancy to think I am an Extremely shy person, but to tell you the truth I just think they are Swine. HAHAHAHHA I AM JUST KIDDING! I don't share my thoughts because I don't think the person would understand, so I see it as pointless to share. Its a very selfish way of thinking, but I am a very selfish person. It's also a very lazy way of thinking, because i'm sure if I had the patience and .. whats the opposite of lazy? Diligence! patience, diligence and ... love? If I cared enough I would be able to get my meanings across, but I am very impatient and lazy and don't care at All about humans who are a bit on the dim side in my opinion.

In my head you Understand what people are saying, and if you dont you ask a few questions and then you Understand, if only slightly and that is OK; BUT this isnt how most people's (that I have met anyways) brains work, most people hardly ever understand Anything! that I say... HAHAHA I guess thats what it all boils down to: I can do it, WHY can't YOU? once again the selfishness hahaha and inconsiderateness...

ack, my thoughts don't make sense, They make sense to me (obviously, it would be sad if they didnt) but I can never express them very well.... The way I think is very Different, at least I think its different, since no one can understand me hahahahaha then again maybe there is a stupid barrier between my thoughts and my mouth ahahhaah (i dont mean stupid barrier as cursing the barrier, I mean Stupid barrier, like something that makes everything stupid that goes by it... hahaha)

So people think I am shy because I dont talk, But I dont talk because I dont want to explain myself. For some reason people always need things to be explained to them, Why cant their brains move a mile a milisecond?? making leaps and bounds that connect all the dots and lines so that they get the story and dont need to have it explained to them, even though "logically" these leaps and bounds dont make sense? I think its the leaps and bounds that get them, it doesnt make sense to them so they have to repeat themselves. hahaha silly people.

Another reason I don't "talk" is because I am not one of those free flowing talker types that keeps going on even though you never asked them to. If you want information from me you have to ask, Like that frustrating "helper" that tells you there was rope in the backpack after you'd already taken your clothes apart to make one, but I dont think I am that bad, I would have asked why you were ripping your clothes apart and then told you before you became naked.

I am a reserved person. I won't share my thoughts unless I think you would be able to appreciate/understand them. Except family, I Force my thought on them ahahaha poor family.

If I were shy I would be A WHOLE lot more cooler, because I would care what people thought and I would care what I looked like, but I really dont, on either count HAHA

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

omo I have rage issues

Oh my, I have a very serious problem of Rage. I don't get mad, I get seething rage in my heart.

Let me draw you a picture! To my mind it is like a very beautiful little plant that is very lovely, and soft and very kind and loving(I am not saying I am these things, I am just trying to emphasise the seriousness, then again I would say my heart is all those things! I think everyones heart is those things, Really, really, really deep down sometimes, but everyone none the less). This plant is in a nice green rainforest with pretty sounds and loveliness all around(this is what I think is beautiful, so some might not like it because of the lizards and snakes hahah) Then in a split second everything becomes dark and dangerous and scary noises and sounds and out of the little plants Rips this HUGE UGLY DANGEROUS VENUS FLY TRAP FROM HELL! that makes the same sound as the great animal in the swan princess.

This Demonic happening isn't often, every now and again, but it usually disappears as soon as its surfaced because i realise what is happening and quickly step away from whatever is causing the episode.... It scares me because its like a different person is grabbing my insides and shaking and trying to ruin me! and its so rageful, vengeful, anything bad. Its like jackel and hyde, but I have more control and consciousness obviously hahaha

When I was younger I knew I had a bit of a problem with a bad temper, and anger, but I didn't ever think it was such a huge problem, Maybe I was in Denial and its always been this bad? hahaha that would be sad, but a relief since it would mean I am getting better seeing as I realized/noticed.

I don't know, it makes me sad. I am not violent or abusive(overly hahahaha) am I? if so, WHY HAS NO ONE EVER TOLD ME? SUCH A HUGE FLAW??? maybe everyone thought I knew and that I was just a mega tool for not changing... or maybe people did tell me but i never took it seriously hahaha

I didn't know, I am sorry. I am not sure what to do about it, it really feels like mr hyde.

and like i said its a seething rage in my heart, and so it hurts my soul

hum hum hum

And We knew

WOWOWOW I am so proud of me! hahahah I feel so accomplished at having posts in 2008 AND 2009, and now 2010. I only feel this way because I didn't realise I was posting in 2008 HAHA

creepily you can see how I have changed over these little years, from a funny entertaining fellow(hahaha I am bold, I know) into a serious quite depressed seeming fellow that thinks WAY too much and should do more.

Today(this may seem morbid/gross/creepy/weird, but I think its FREAKIN AWESOME, and sad... and scary hahah) i was picking at my teeth (as I am too often wont to do), and for the past few days (is it passed or past???) I have been wiggling something in one of my molars, and trying to maneuver it out, because it was between the two but loose, I thought it was filling, mine are always coming out, and my teeth are really bad, (I don't know miriam, I think I might be able to win the crapppy teeth trophy, then again, I really don't know hahahaha) so this morning I was reading a book called "when my name was Keoko" (I am doing some study/research on Korea) and I finally got the thing in my teeth to come out!

When I was little I enjoyed picking my scabs off, I don't know, I was a little freak and for some reason felt accomplished when I could successfully pick a scab without ripping any new flesh off... and various other things that are too disturbing to share with the world...
so that was a little story to explain my enjoyment of the teeth picking... uhm....

ANyways, So I carefully get it out of my mouth so I don't swallow it, and so I can see what it is. LO AND BEHOLD! instead of the filling that I thought it would be its something else... A PIECE OF MEAT! hahah I kid, it was a piece of tooth, My tooth, a very big piece (or so it feels, I can feel it, its gone!). I went to get a little zip lock baggie and I put my tooth piece in it, because I want to save it! I also put it back in my mouth and stuck it to my tooth to see if it really was from there, and it fit like a puzzle piece hahaha.

So I went to go look in the mirror, and sure enough the corner of my molar was gone. You see, that particular tooth was basically a filling, the corners of the tooth were still there but the centre was all filled in. that's how a lot of my back teeth are.

I HATE MY TEETH! SO MUCH! THEY SUCK! but I guess its my own fault, I should have cared for them better.. I hate my teeth so much It makes me want to cry; I guess I should say the condition of my teeth rather than my teeth. that's why I said it was awesome and scary and sad. I am weird so I thought it was cool (hahah the more I think about it, ITS NOT COOL AT ALL hahahah), but as i thought about it I realised i am gonna be one of those toothless people, that makes me sad, and then its scary because I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY TEETH!!!!!!

but anyways, so I think the tooth piece came off because its rotten, my teeth are all rotting, at least with that piece gone the dentist will be able to get to the tooth behind... hahaha

oh crap, I think I remember the dentist in England telling me something about the corners of the teeth being needed

SPIRAL OF DESPAIR!!!! (like an anime character)

without the corners they cant fill the tooth to make it a pretend molar, so now its just gonna slowly rot away all of my teeth one by excruciating one, and I am gonna die like an Elephant!

Elephants have a set amount of teeth that grow during their lifetime (abt 24 and only four are in their mouth at a time), the teeth move from the back towards the front as time passes and fall out as they are worn down. When the last teeth fall out the elephant dies of starvation because they cant chew anymore.


how very distressing

maybe I can go to a hockey players dentist and have some teeth screwed in... *tears*