Sunday, November 30, 2008

Never Seen poly boys With such style!!

I am a Very Reticent person, I have finaly found the word that is BEST EVER DESCRIPTION OF ME AWESOME! you should look it up if you'd like to know what it means, unless you are a smarty pants who already knows what it means(MalianaHead!). Of Course it isn't Exact, but it is Quite Accurate. I don't like to talk much to people, because I dont like to waste my breath or genius on unappreciative homeless mofo's who would be completely incapable of understanding a Word I said (even those I do speak to sometimes(ok ALL the Time) dont understand a word I jus se!); that is why it takes me so long to actualy speak, or "warm up" to people. I don't like speaking when the person the words are for wouldn't really care to listen, Unless said person is a dear friend or family member, then I force them to listen(as much as is humanly possible, like repeating it over and over or making the words louder and louder hehe).

EXAMPLE: When a person of acuantance passes you on the street or in the hallway they say "Hi how are you?" just in passing, not really caring for an answer, but rather merely following social protcol for what they assume is a polite and sociable way to behave. I personaly think its quite rude and impertinant(not really this word, I just felt like throwing it in because its a coolo Word). I think this way because its like Cutting you off, "hi how are you-" walk away, it So Rude! I normaly dont dignify such greeting with a verbal response, but rather just smile and sometimes say hi. This might seem Snobbish to you, but I don reall Cair Eh?!!?

this leads me on (maybe, might not though, I have quite a jumpy random thought process) to something else, Thats something being.... Oh yeah ( i just forgot, and then remembered HAHA) I have such a hard time expressing myself, mostly because I am afraid; Of What? I am not entirly sure, but when it comes to expressing something FEar Grips my insides and SQUeezes so hard that I just sit there in silence witha confused tormented expression on my face(okay, that might be a lie, but its a fun lie); I think it might have something to do with the reaction to my expression. The reactions on those few occasions I do express something are often bored, or distracted, like the persons do not care, and that I cant stand, so because no one seems to care I keep my yap shut and dont share my thoughts, Like Ever. You might think I do, but i dont. you know in Click when he fast forwards, and goes into autopilot(or watever) thats what happens with me, I think something, but dont share what I am really thinking, I share some auto pilot stuff, random stuff that will make the person go HUH?!? I AM SO CONFUSED, then I will go EXACTLY! and thats the end of that chapter!

And Finaly, to my point, THE POINT, A POINT, some random whatever...

I don't know how to comfort. Its so Funny, (in my head anyways, whenever anything happens I am like uh.. but Laughing in my head at how I dont know how to react) but when I see someone in need of comfort, I kind of just stare awquardly with big eyes, then avert my eyes at my embarresed ineptability. LOlerskates, and it also goes for lacking in being able to be comforted, Example:::
At church the day after my Grammy Ofa Died, a Tongan Boy in my sunday school class said, "oh melanie, when did your grandma Die?" (something along those lines (he said it in a way that suggests normal conversation)) and I replied "yesterday" and quickly looked at the floor because I started to cry. After church, outside on the bench that is located there I saw the tongan boy and his older brother sitting. As I walk towards the parking lot (the bench is located somewhere there) I hear the older one say ".. you faggot!" and he gets up and sees me and comes over and gives me a hug and says " I heard about your grandma, Thats no good". My Reaction was to stiffly accept the hug and say thanks with that stiff aquardness that is my own reaction to most things foreign to me. To be fair, it might have been because he was (and is) a totaly Handsome Mr. Man and I am(or was (getting better every day! haha)) just sucha nerd face oh my gosh a boy talked to me (ok not that bad) kinda gal.

When it comes to Comfort I guess I just feel a bit like I am watching it from a distance, and unable to react appropriatly because I dont know how to, it feels foreign and alian to me; Like my hombre Legolas in FotR, when Boromir is Dying in Aragorns arms, and Legolas comes and watches from affar, he looks on in an observant way because it is completely odd to him, not happened before, I love it. Oddly enough I have much feelings in my being, and i feel deeply for people, so my inability to comfort is a literal pain, It pains me to not be able to comfort others when they are in pain, or sad, or lost, or any other unpleasant things. Unnecesary heart ache, wish I knew how to cure

I'm think of charlie chaplan's words "we think too much and feel too little" That is the case with most people, but not I, I think too much and feel too much too, hahaha but who'd a thought? you cant really tell hahaha oh wellll. One last thing!

I was told about this group today, they funny, called Spacifix and I do declare Never Seen poly boys With such style!!



Maliana said...

wow so crazy and i know pretty much exactly what you mean, like when some i care about a lot is hurting for whatever reason my first thought is "okay who's @$$ do i need to pummel to make it right" :p i suck at giving hugs but i'm trying to get better, we should be emotional improvement friends!! we can have a club with shirts and mugs yes = very yes

oh yeah but about the first thing i was talking about, i find people are sometimes comforted if you get mad for them or get sad with them or make them laugh, because if they are really your friends or whatever they appreciate that it's the best you can do and are trying so yeah

those guys have styles upon styles

MiriamR said...

I was never able to comfort and still can't except daniel and my kids. I always felt uncomfortable when people would start crying and I would just sit there and stare and nothing. I remember when Ofa died. Daniel told my boss at work and they all thought I would skip out of work for the next week. I didn't. I went straight to work the next day and then my boss who is ackward at all things personal says "im sorry and I thought you would take a few days off". I said no im fine. and all these people came up to me and I was like get the HE## away from me. That was in my head though I just said Thanks im fine. I didn't even tell anyone when Karl died or Langabinn. I didn't want to hear all the condolences or whatever. I don't like being comforted so I think thats why I don't like to comfort others. I prefer being alone and getting it over with. ANyways I understand. Some poeple are really good at it. I think it gets better in time. I don't know yet though because it hasn't yet for me. Daniel hasn't lost anyone close since we have been married to I don't know.

Hera said...

You are a good fun writing expressor Melanie.
I really enjoy reading your writings. I always look forward to hearing or rather reading some more.
I was in a store in Utah once and the cashier asked the lady in front of me "How are you" well the lady started telling the cashier how she was. When the lady left the cashier looked at me and said "I did not want to hear her whole life story." I just smiled and said I nwas fine thank you. English is a funny language and has so many meanings.